I’m gonna stalk the shit out of you.

I’m currently in the  process of writing my third screenplay and the theme of it is “Stalking”. Nothing serious, just some harmless, light-hearted, good old fashioned stalking. As part of my prep I decided to do some much needed research on the topic and thought I’d share some of the most humorous examples of things stalkers do:

These are all DIRECT “cut and pastes” from the World Wide Web.

  • Call your water company and cancel your water. (Classic)
  • Continuously call your mobile from different phones and say things that aren’t “nice”.
  • Tell people you have Aids, apparently.
  • Break into your house and leave a dildo on your kitchen table. (Standard)
  • Do a crime like run over someone’s trees, then call the police and claim they are an anonymous witness and saw you do it. (I don’t know how you would even go about running over someone’s trees).
  • Throw a crack pipe into your car if you leave it unlocked, then call the police and tell them to stop you. (From what? Taking crack or leaving your car unlocked)
  • Make up lies about you and tell people you barely know stuff that isn’t true and isn’t “nice”. (Presumably that you have aids, are addicted to crack and leave your car unlocked all the time)
  • Put hidden cameras in your house. (Because you wouldn’t notice a little thing like that. No sir, you’d walk straight past the suspicious cable wires in your bathroom or evil looking camera teddy which is now randomly on your book shelf)
  • Try identity theft. (But why would they want to be you now that they’ve cut off your water supply and told everyone you’ve got aids)
  • Send you notes. (Horrifying)
  • Try to seduce your lover (For those of you that aren’t that sophisticated this can also mean “Get off with your ova alf”)
  • Tell people you sell drugs when you don’t (again with the drugs).
  • Call your work and make trouble for you. (Probably drug related).
  • Watch you sleep. (Bit obvious)
  • Take locks of your hair. (Presumably in your sleep)
  • Steal your mail. (Good luck with my council tax and Virgin Media bill- you’d actually be doing me a favour).
  • Damage your home, car or property (or tree’s)
  •  Any other actions that control, track, or frighten you. (Right so is that just everything else then!)

Great help! Right, back to the drawing board…


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