Category Archives: Uncategorized

I’m gonna stalk the shit out of you.

I’m currently in the  process of writing my third screenplay and the theme of it is “Stalking”. Nothing serious, just some harmless, light-hearted, good old fashioned stalking. As part of my prep I decided to do some much needed research on the topic and thought I’d share some of the most humorous examples of things stalkers do:

These are all DIRECT “cut and pastes” from the World Wide Web.

  • Call your water company and cancel your water. (Classic)
  • Continuously call your mobile from different phones and say things that aren’t “nice”.
  • Tell people you have Aids, apparently.
  • Break into your house and leave a dildo on your kitchen table. (Standard)
  • Do a crime like run over someone’s trees, then call the police and claim they are an anonymous witness and saw you do it. (I don’t know how you would even go about running over someone’s trees).
  • Throw a crack pipe into your car if you leave it unlocked, then call the police and tell them to stop you. (From what? Taking crack or leaving your car unlocked)
  • Make up lies about you and tell people you barely know stuff that isn’t true and isn’t “nice”. (Presumably that you have aids, are addicted to crack and leave your car unlocked all the time)
  • Put hidden cameras in your house. (Because you wouldn’t notice a little thing like that. No sir, you’d walk straight past the suspicious cable wires in your bathroom or evil looking camera teddy which is now randomly on your book shelf)
  • Try identity theft. (But why would they want to be you now that they’ve cut off your water supply and told everyone you’ve got aids)
  • Send you notes. (Horrifying)
  • Try to seduce your lover (For those of you that aren’t that sophisticated this can also mean “Get off with your ova alf”)
  • Tell people you sell drugs when you don’t (again with the drugs).
  • Call your work and make trouble for you. (Probably drug related).
  • Watch you sleep. (Bit obvious)
  • Take locks of your hair. (Presumably in your sleep)
  • Steal your mail. (Good luck with my council tax and Virgin Media bill- you’d actually be doing me a favour).
  • Damage your home, car or property (or tree’s)
  •  Any other actions that control, track, or frighten you. (Right so is that just everything else then!)

Great help! Right, back to the drawing board…

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Who are uncool niece?

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

To: jdagger@lynx.neu.edu on 26/09/2011 (Sadly Undelivered)

Dear Jym Bagtaz,

My name is Cliff Elberez and I am an avid fan of Uncool Niece. I’ve recently been saddened by the fact that the website http://www.uncoolniece.com isn’t functioning anymore.

I don’t know whether you are a member of Uncool Niece or whether you’re their agent or something but I’d very much like to enrol in any fan clubs they may have. Do they have any fan clubs available?

I’ve been a struggling musician myself and I know how rough it can be. I released a single on an independent British label earlier this year; it was an urban rock electro pop stomper with classical routes called “Won’t Budge an Inch”. The critics and the public hated it. One magazine referred to it as a “Pile of tortoise excrement”.  Anyway, forget about them. I’m sure even the legendary Hall and Oates suffered rejection at times.

If you could get back to me with any updates about Uncool Niece I’d really appreciate it because I bloody love em’.

Yours,

C.E

Delivery to the email “jdagger@lynx.neu.edu” unfortunately failed. In my quest to learn more about Uncool Niece I searched the internet for valid contact details for the Brooklyn based, fast paced rock pop trio, but was incredibly unsuccessful.

I did however find this message underneath the invalid contact details:

“No CD yet, trying to get some $ first…3 piece band…

UNCOOL NIECE NEVER GOT THE BREAK THEY DESERVE.

Cliff Elberez’s Top 10 Food Related Films of All Time.

Love Film? Love Food? Well put your hands together as we count down the top 10 food related films of all time. Some may be loosely related to food, some may be more about eating and some well, may be about doing “other” things with food, but the theme is FOOD nonetheless.

So get comfortable, grab an iced bun and some popcorn as we countdown:

Cliff Elberez’s Top 10 Food Related Films of All Time.

10. Supersize Me

It’s a film about McDonald’s people! A 24½ lbs weight gain, 13% body mass increase, cholesterol level of 230, mood swings, sexual dysfunction and fat accumulation on the liver aside, I love McDonalds. This film sends out an anti junk food message but I’m a firm believer that if you eat anything for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a solid month you will suffer health issues. Imagine if you ate raw turnip for a month solid. That shit would mess you up. Double Cheeseburgers (or as I more affectionately refer to them as“Dub Che’s”) are probably one of the best things ever created (along with the television and boiled egg slicers).

Quote: I think the saturated fats are cutting off the blood flow to his penis.

Rating 2/5 – I wont have anyone talking shitabout my first love…The Big Mac!

9. Layer Cake

I was as stunned as the rest of the world when I realised that the film Layer Cake did not feature a single cake. So maybe you wouldn’t think that a British crime thriller with Daniel Craig would be set in or even near a bakery, but come on, they could’ve at least had a cake in the background or something. The title actually refers to the human social strata, especially in the British criminal underworld, as well as the numerous plot layers in the film. I picked it as my number 10 because layer cakes are bloody amazing. I mean just look at this one.

Quote: England. Typical. Even drug dealers don’t work weekends.

Rating 3/5 – Quite a good twist, not enough cake.

 

 

8. Nacho Libre

Have you ever taken up wrestling to buy better quality food for orphans? I have, and let me tell you, it’s exhausting. Ignacio (Jack Black) on the other hand makes it look easy as pie in Nacho Libre. Believe it or not this slapstick comedy was loosely based on the story of a real life Mexican Catholic Priest who had a 23-year career as a masked Luchador. It is with great pride that I inform you that the luchador in question is in fact my father (Elberez could be Mexican). Don’t make the same mistake as those who rented “Nacho Libre” expecting something along the lines of “Inception”. It’s just a bit of fun and great to watch if you’re hungover or if you’ve just been fired by your current employer for refusing to relocate to Bratislava for three months.

Quote: When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. It’s for fun.

Rating 3/5 – Hilariously silly, but doesn’t have Keira Knightly in it.

7. Delicatessen

So we’ve had the documentary, the mob film and the comedy- queue the arty foreign film that’s been added to make me seem more cultured and refined and shit. This film is French and about some bloke who owns a butchers and posts job opportunities in the paper as means to lure victims to the building, whom he murders and butchers as a cheap source of meat that then sells to his tenants. It’s a comedy. No seriously, it’s a black comedy and it’s actually good. This is the first of two cannibal films to make the top ten. There’s a short scene with people eating biscuits in it though, I promise.

Quote: You think this is a safari, bitch?

Rating 3½/5 – Watch out for the resident woman who continuously fails to commit suicide.

6. Julie and Julia

If you’re like me and sometimes eat too much butter on your toast or potato, or if you just eat butter straight from the tub with a spoon sometimes because you’ve run out of food in your flat due to working a lot of evening shifts and you haven’t really had a chance to go food shopping, then you should like this film. Apart from the excellent performances in the film the food in itself is enough to warrant it being worth a watch. Just thinking about the food in this film is making my stomach growl. Where’s the clover? It’s cool, I’ll just eat around all the toast crumbs.

Quote: It tastes like… cheese sauce. Yum.

Rating 3½/5 – Meryl Streep looks very tall in this film. That’s all. Oh, and watch it if you want.

5. Waitress

In the spirit of Cliff Elberez, let’s get back to Pie. This “under the radar” film’s central character works in Joe’s Pie Diner, where her job includes creating inventive pies with unusual titles inspired by her life, such as the “Bad Baby Pie” she invents after her unwanted pregnancy is confirmed. I never say this, but enough about Cliff for a minute because this film is brilliantly quirky, original and incredibly underrated. This is the kind of film that makes me want to write films. Its character driven and explores small-town characters and modest locations and finds the perfect balance between comedy and drama. If you watch only one film from this bunch, make it this one.

Quote: I don’t care if she is a pie genius. I wouldn’t trade places with her.

Rating 4/5 Think Juno but with pies. Many, many pies.

4. Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

When I was a child, before I found food, I found Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. I used to watch this film so much that I broke the VHS copy that I even used to take on holiday with me. I loved it when the fat kid got caught in the tube and I loved it when the horrible girl turned into a massive blueberry. Charlie got on my tits a bit but that’s neither here nor there (The actor who played Charlie is actually now a Vet- true story) and I’m not ashamed to say that the oompa-loompas scared the absolute shit out of me. I used to open galaxy chocolate bars expecting to see a gold ticket inside, which was around the time I really started getting into chocolate. Maybe the big mac wasn’t my first love after all.

Quote: Where is fancy bread? In the heart or in the head.

Rating 4/5 A nostalgic classic with small terrifying orange people who sing songs of misfortune and woe.

3. Ratatouille

I think I speak for everyone when I say “Ratatouille is sick!”.  (1. Sick: meaning crazy, cool, insane). In my eyes, all Disney Pixar films are amazing (apart from Cars but I don’t begrudge anyone for liking it, it’s just not for me). Toy Story 3 probably should’ve won best picture at the Oscars and I’ll decapitate anyone that says otherwise. Ratatouille tells the story of Remy, a teenaged rat gifted with a highly developed sense of smell that, long story short, ends up working in a top Paris restaurant. It’s all about the food of course and even though the food is obviously animated it still looks kind of delicious. I mean, I would.

Quote: Ratatouille doesn’t sound delicious. It sounds like “rat” and “patootie.” Rat-patootie, which does not sound delicious.

Rating 4/5 That’s right 4 stars and what? I’d give Wall-E 5 stars!

2. Silence of the Lambs“Hello Clarice. How’s it going?” It’s our second film about cannibalism but this one isn’t so much a comedy as a sophisticated psychological thriller. The premise is about an FBI agent who is assigned to help find a missing woman to help save her from a serial killer who skins his victims, and before you ask, NO Jennifer Aniston isn’t in this one- you’re thinking of Marley and Me. Obviously this film is a classic and Anthony Hopkins performance could be considered the best of his career (which says a lot). Don’t make the rookie mistake I made by watching this film whilst eating a microwavable chilli con carne. It’ll all end in tears and probably Rennie.

Quote: A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Rating 4½/5 Watch this film in a dark, dull space.

1. American Pie It says a lot about me as a person that an Oscar winning film was beat to the post by a teen comedy most famously renowned for its sex scene between Jason Biggs and a pie, but once again I don’t give a shit. I think American Pie paved the way for a lot of disgustingly great comedies. OK, so they got ridiculous when it was all about Stifler’s second cousin going off to college but I try to not associate them as the same films in my head. I’ve got high hopes for The American Reunion due out in 2012 but even if its crap nothing can take away the pure hilarity, vulgarity and genius that the first film gave us. It’s the film that defined a generation. Well, that and Big Momma’s: Like Father, Like Son.

Quote: This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my p****.

Rating 5/5 I really feel like it now. I mean watching the film not having sexual intercourse with a pie.

problems with Glocauneve

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

drraj.persaud@googlemail.com  on 13/09/2011

Dearest Dr. Raj Persaud,

My name is Cliff Elberez and I’d like to start off my email by telling you that I was a huge fan of yours from when you used to be on GMTV. I don’t know why you stopped appearing on GMTV, but I wish that if there was any hostility that you and ITV would just sort it out because I (as well as millions upon millions of viewers) need you back on my screen. I am emailing because I have a bizarre medical problem. It’s more psychological than anything and I have been to a counsellor, as well as several general practitioners and none of them have been able to diagnose me, therefore I have no choice but to contact my favourite celebrity doctor. I am an obese man and whenever I eat my favourite food (which is pie), I find myself getting incredibly emotional and at times I burst into tears. I don’t know why this happens. I also find that my Glocauneve gets incredibly irritable and itchy. It can get quite embarrassing at times because my Glocauneve isn’t exactly something which I am able to hide. I get looks on the bus and sometimes people point and laugh at me. I’m not allergic to pie which makes me believe its more psychological. I have Googled “problems with Glocauneve” and haven’t found any other people with the same problem, which in turn, makes me feel very alone and encourages me to turn to pie again. It’s a vicious circle. Please get back to me because I don’t know what else to do.

Also can I have a signed photo?

Cliff Elberez

“Dr” Raj Persaud neglected to get back to Cliff Elberez and as a result his Glocauneve fell off and was eaten by a stray cat.

mean muggin’s

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

To: orders2011@muggins.com on 12 September 2011 10:04:36

Dearest Muggins,

My name is Cliff Elberez. I’ve recently discovered your online catalogue and quite frankly I am in awe of your pieces, in particular the “Flying Beasties”. I have recently taken up pottery myself as I find it to be an interesting and emotional pastime. I am emailing because lately I have started making pottery pies. My girlfriend Gretna absolutely loves my pieces and tells me that I am a talented and complicated artist with raw natural talent. It was actually her idea for me to contact you to see whether you’d be interested in me supplying you with these wonderful pottery pies for you to sell. Furthermore, some of my unique pottery pies have faces on them and some of those faces are doing rather silly things. I am working on a piece at the moment which is a pie blowing a kiss. Some say that it’s not apparent that this is what the pie is actually doing and that the pie seems to have more sinister and perverse motives. I’ll leave that up to you to decide as I have attached a photograph of the pie to this email.

I ask that you please get back to me as I am taking this career move very seriously.

Clay pie enthusiast.

Clifford Elberez

There was no picture of a clay pie attached to this email.

The Cliff Elberez Pie Infirmary

Ever been pied off? Do you like pie? Then look no further than Cliff Elberez’s Pie Infirmary!

What’s an infirmary I hear you ask! Well, Oxfords dictionary defines infirmary as:

1. A place in a large institution for the care of those who are ill.

2. A hospital.

Here at Cliff Elberez’s Pie Infirmary you can get the sympathetic and caring help that you need after being pied off by EATING PIE. Yes that’s correct, I’ll say it again, EATING PIE.

We have a wide and delicious range of home made pies from the classic apple to the experientially orgasmic passion fruit and white Belgian chocolate. Pie isn’t all we offer; get back to pure re-lax-ation with some comforting classic TV shows such as “Murder She Wrote”, “Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman”, “Golden Girls” and our personal favourite “Pie In The Sky”.

You’ll get a chance to mix with our other less fortunate pied off individuals and take part in breathing exercises, eating exercises and group bonding- where complete strangers feed each other pie in a nurturing and safe environment.

Not only can you enjoy all of this in the comfort of your stylish, and all included baggy tracksuit, but you can stay over! We NOW offer rooms at Cliff Elberez’s Pie Infirmary. Why not spend the night in one of our rustic, cottage-esque rooms complete with en suite bathroom?

WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S NOT ALL? Recommend a friend and be the first to get a free slice of our exclusive Alaskan Cream Pie which includes tiny edible eskimos made completely out of icing sugar and pure animal fat extracts. Mmm! if that doesn’t sound appetising I don’t know what does!

All of this can be yours for the measly price of just £85 daily + £9.99 VAT.

Simply reply to this EXCLUSIVE email with your full name, 16 digit credit card number, expiry date, name on card and CVV (Last 3 digits at the back) and we will take a small deposit of just £60 to secure your place.

Things will get better my friend.

Hope to see you soon….and hungry!

The Cliff Elberez Pie Infirmary

How to eat pie 2.0?

Pie eating has evolved over time into several distinct directions. Theoreticians of pie eating (pitatrosilogists) distinguish two main subtypes: recreational pie eating and competitive pie eating. Cliff Elberez is a competitive pie eater and has taken eating pie to both an intermediate and professional level.

It is inadvisable for amateurs to try competitive pie eating techniques on their own for safety reasons. A good friend of mine tried this once and woke up the next day, face down on the deck of a ferry to Ireland covered in what he thought was blood (but was actually cherry coulee). He handed himself into the police for a crime he didn’t commit and is now trapped in a web of emotions (and a prison cell).

In this case a coach is needed to teach people properly and a spotter is necessary for safety in case of misfeeds, overfills and retro-projection (vomiting). The use of competitive pie eating methods in polite company is likely to result in surprised stares, general disgust, and potentially even bans from the eating venue.

Recreational pie eating can be done safely using the following guidelines.

You will need:

  • A pie.
  • A serving utensil. Proper pie server is recommended, but a large knife will do in a pinch.
  • An individual plate.
  • An eating utensil. This is commonly a fork, but some softer pies have been eaten successfully with spoons.
  • A human mouth.

The eating process:

  1. Divide the pie into wedges (slices).
  2. Using an appropriate utensil transfer the slice to an individual plate.
  3. Get a firm grip on the eating utensil with the strong hand (right for righties, left for southpaws). If you are like me and have one strong and one withered hand, be sure to use the strong hand.
  4. Use the off hand (or withered hand) to fixate the plate to the eating surface (table).
  5. Using the eating utensil separate a piece of pie from the slice. The size of the separated piece varies with the eater’s mouth sizing and should be determined through trial and error.
  6. Scoop the separated piece up with the eating utensil and place it in your mouth. Remember to open wide enough for the piece to pass. (Rooky mistake)
  7. Close mouth
  8. Withdraw utensil
  9. Chew pie
  10. Swallow
  11. Repeat until pie is gone

If steps 1 and 2 present some difficulty you should consider using the services of a professional, such as a baker or restaurant server.

If you experience difficulty with steps 3-5 you should consider investing in some manual dexterity training. Your doctor should be able to direct you to a qualified physical therapist.

If you experience difficulty with steps 6-10 you should seek remedial training in consumption of solid.

These are wise words, listen to them or you will choke on pie only to be found three weeks later, bent over the sink and as lifeless as a Madame Tussauds waxwork. Morbid? No, morbidly obese.