Janes Addiction

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

To: brian@brianshaw.org.uk (Jane McDonald’s PR) on Tue, 19 Apr 2011

Dear Brian,

My name is Cliff Elberez and I’d like to firstly state that I am a massive Jane McDonald fan. I have followed her career from the get go. I’ve seen her live many times and watched her avidly on Loose Women. My wife Denise is also a fan of “The Mac” and in the past have paid tribute to her with a series of performances down our local pub “The Swan with two necks”.

I have recently discovered “the world wide web” and noticed that you offer a fan club subscription. I then noticed that it costs £20 to become a fan online. Unfortunately, due to recent business ventures I cannot afford that sort of money, therefore must miss out on all of the benefits of being a Jane McDonald fan club member. Is there any way whatsoever that I could bypass the fee or perhaps have an IOU?

Furthermore, would I be able to get a signed photograph to myself and Denise from the lovely Jane? If so would there be a fee for this too?

I feel incredibly cheap not being able to pay the fee, and it has taken a lot of courage and pride to send this email, I am simply doing it because my love and dedication for Jane goes beyond any other human emotion.

Yours,

Cliff Elberez.

Neither Jane McDonald nor Brian got back to Cliff. Whenever Cliff faces rejection such as this, he goes on a vengeance rampage. In this case he burnt all of Jane McDonalds Christmas albums on a bonfire. Later research online showed that the burning of Jane McDonalds albums on a bonfire was actually quite common amongst most normal people with ears.

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pisexual

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

To: info@pukkapies.co.uk on 19 Apr 2011

Dearest Pukka-Pies,

My name is Cliff Elberez and I’d like to start off my saying I am a pie enthusiast. I have recently started my business called “Cliff Elberez’s Pie Infirmary” and business is actually booming! I have been a big follower of Pukka-Pies for quite some time because like your slogan, I don’t compromise. (Especially when it comes to pie). My favourite pie out of your range is definitely the “Family All Steak Pie”. I apologise for my ramblings, but sometimes I get carried away with Pie banter.

I am emailing, mainly, to ask whether there would be anyway that I could arrange a visit for myself, my wife and daughter (Denise and Carol) to the Pukka-Pies factory. We would be fascinated to watch your inglorious pies be produced. I understand we are now your business rival, but if we could all just co-operate and do what’s best in the name of freshly baked pie, I think this could be a beneficial meeting for both you and I.  I have lots of innovative ideas about different (more controversial) pie fillings that I could share with you, for example, I have recently been working on an exclusive cottage cheese and gammon pie.

Please get back to me to let me know whether this visit to your factory would be made possible. It would be an absolute dream comes true for me.

I will wait eagerly for your response

Simply Pie,

Cliff Elberez.

Pukka Pie’s felt incredibly threatened after receiving this email. The board of chairmen held a meeting regarding the email which went on through the night. The next day they contacted Cliff Elberez by telephone to make him an offer for ownership of the pie infirmary. Cliff did not accept the multi-million pound offer, but a few months later lost the infirmary in a divorce battle with his wife Denise who now lives in the infirmary with her well travelled lover Syed.

Flub of lub

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

To: http://www.lorellywilson.co.uk/contact.php on 22/04/2011

Dearest Chemistry with Cabbage,

My name is Cliff Elberez. I came across your magnificent website whilst searching for a way to make Flubber, similar to the 1997 Robin Williams’s movie in which he made a green rubber-like super-bouncy substance. I recently re-watched the movie Flubber and realised just how much of a forgotten classic it actually was. I found it hilarious and rich.

Do you host any live conventions of any sorts?

If you could please forward me the ingredients and instructions on how to make this marvellously whimsical green flub, I would be most grateful.

Your whimsical fan,

Cliff Elberez

Reply from Lorelly at Chemistry with Cabbage:

Hi Cliff

You can make a reasonable flubber like this.

Put a tablespoonful of PVA glue into a container. If you want the flubber coloured, add a few drops of food colouring.

In another container, dissolve household borax in about 100 mls of water until no more will dissolve.

Now stir the household borax into the PVA glue. You need to stir for a few minutes, and you’ll find that it goes thicker and tougher. When it’s as thick as you want, pour off any excess liquid and give it a quick rinse under the tap, to get off any extra borax.

Keep your flubber in a pot, because it’ll pick up dirt and fluff very quickly.

Hope this helps

Lorelly

Shorty after reading this email Cliff made Flubber and shortly after that Cliff ate the Flubber.

we want Bobby

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

To: Bobby Davro’s PR agency on 06/04/2011

My name is Cliff Elberez.

I am incredibly interested in booking Sir Bobby Davro for a private function on 24/09/2011. My wife, the late Denise, is a massive Frank Sinatra fan and therefore what better way to treat her then to have Bobby Davro perform some of Frankie’s hits in a private and incredibly intimate function. The function will consist of four people, our daughter and a neighbour who is a fan of Bradley Walsh, so everything seems to be a no brainer. Denise was of Latin decent and would very much love for “My Way” to be sung in Spanish. Would this be possible?

Your devoted fan,

Cliff

Reply from Chris, Bobby’s pimp

Dear Cliff,

Of course, you’d be looking at £10,000 +VAT and expenses.

Kind regards

Chris

I think that’s a reasonable amount for an entertainer of his calibre and poise.

Business Proposal of the third kind.

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

To: david@brackenbankstores.co.uk on 06/04/2011

Good evening,

My name is Cliff Elberez and I have a very intriguing proposition for you. Where I’m from in the Lake District it’s absolutely impossible to get Space Raiders. I remember being a young scallywag at school and enjoying the intense thrill of purchasing a bag of Space Raiders for 10p and eating them on the walk home on a fresh summer’s day. The first time I kissed my beautiful Denise was greeted with the undertone of the tangy yet erotic taste of pickled onion.  Therefore, I would very much like to start selling Space Raiders to the general public in my local area. I do not have a shop or any sort of establishment, but I do have a van and can therefore sell your delicious snacks from the back of it after the end of school days. Alternatively I can just drive around all day honking and shouting “Space Raiders”. Could you inform me of how I can go about doing this? I am excited about my new business opportunity.

Your devoted customer

Mr Elberez.

A reply from David Mortimer of Bracken Bank Stores:

Hello

Please just place your order online and we will be happy to deliver the crisps to you ASAP.

Best regards

David Mortimer

Bracken Bank Stores

Vimto Abuse

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

To: info@vimto.co.uk on 06/04/2011

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Cliff Elberez. I have a bit of an unusual query but at moments like this I genuinely don’t know who to turn to. For years now, my wife Denise and I have been enjoying Vimto as much as any other beverage (no offense). To my peril, in the last year or so Vimto seems to have consumed Denise. She spends all of her free time on your website playing your very addiction and let’s face it, incredible games. I feel like its putting a lot of pressure on our marriage. Last week I tried to arrange a dinner out and she insisted on staying in and drinking Vimto whilst playing on your website. I later found her in the bathroom with the laptop drinking undiluted Vimto from the bottle. I understand that this is not your problem, but is there any way that you can self exclude Denise from your site? I think it’s in everyone’s best interest. I want my wife back. I want my life back.

Yours,

A desperate husband.

Vimto chose not to comment on the situation involving Cliff’s wife Denise. I think that’s a bit cheeky.

“Twenty Four Hours from Tulsa”

The email you are about to read is a real email sent out to a real company:

To: ukenquiries@pb.com (Pitney Bowes) on 3/29/11

To whom it may concern,

I am emailing to inquire as to whether you are at all associated to American singer songwriter, musician and sound engineer Gene Pitney? I am trying desperately to locate him in order to form a tribute act in the Lake District area.

“Twenty Four Hours from Tulsa”

Regards,

Cliff Elberez

Unfortunately Pitney Bowes didn’t get back to Cliff but he did manage to track down Gene Pitney somewhere outside Milwaukee in July. There was a meeting of minds shortly followed up by a restraining order.